I was going to make a blog post earlier...but then got lazy as usual and decided not to. But now I actually have something to talk about. I mean, something to talk about that I'm not afraid of posting.

First off, a big, giant, gargantuan Thanks go out to Uma, Sarah, Karen, Candice, Mina, Vinita and Justin for their kind words about that last post.

And so it goes...
There are times when I get these moments of extreme clarity about said situation and I feel surprisingly serene about it. You know, the idea that it doesn't matter to me so much anymore, and perhaps that I've been delusional all along about things. In the things that aren't said and done, I should take those as huge blinking signs and just categorize it under "done and dealt with." Then right after that, as Rachel Green put it, it would be "rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, and then me." I think it's the uncertainty that's really killing me. Throw me the aftermath, and that way, I can at least know that I'm dealing with the truth and move on as best as I can. Yet, here I am, and I keep coming back to the same exact place time and time again.

I'm not saying that it's a waste of time, but the worst part about it all is how its seemed to rearrange my life. No, wait, that's not right because I still do have a life my own, I've just found that I've lately had my mind on things that I shouldn't have my mind on. It's weird because I've been in similar situations before, but they've never been so...intense, I guess you could say. I have no idea what it is about this particular one, but it's making my mind feel like its going to either implode or explode. Either way, it seems like it's been a complete whirlwind...

Where did the year go? I think I've mindlessly gone through this entire school year without really thinking much about what I've actually been working on, which is just a little bit scary.

The last...six months, I guess you could say, has become just one, huge, big block of time. On the one hand it seems as if it's lasted so much longer than six months, and on the other, I can't remember any specific notion of the actual passing of time, and when I look back I wonder where it's gone.

But going back to said situation. Sometimes I wonder if I haven't made up everything in my head; past, present and future. This probably doesn't make any sense if I don't put it into context, but there's the imagination of the good - where this entire thing goes down into my personal history as some kind of twisted, distorted fairytale, at least for a while, and I traverse lightly along my ways. Then there's the imagination of the not-so-good, or to be more specific, the imagination of the pain, the self-pity, the anger, the frrustration - basically an extrapolation of what I already have intensified by a scale of 10. I try to tell myself that if I imagine the worst, the only thing that can come out of it is good, but what I didn't count on was the worst actually becoming reality. Or perhaps I'm overreaching because the worst hasn't happened yet, although it's one of those things you can feel in the air. Air? I mean gut. Intuition is not to be discounted, although I'm beginning to question that because my intuition is reaching into so many different paths that I can't even tell what is intuition and actual thought anymore.

Then there's the whole issue with confrontation. Anyone who knows me will know that I despise, absolutely abhor, confrontational situations. I just...don't do very well in them. I end up stammering, and words come out of my mouth without me actually knowing that they're coming out of my mouth. I would rather just wait things out to see what things become. Apparently, that's not working too well for me because I feel...just...not all there. Not to say that I'm "all there" normally, but even more so now with this entire fiasco.

Maybe I'm making things out to be bigger than they are. Maybe it's a simple conversation that I need to have in order to get things done and over with. Another thing I'm sick and tired of is leaving loose ends, I wouldn't call them regrets because I'm not so sure that I believe in what that constitutes, but I mean loose ends as always, constantly wondering "what could've been". For once, perhaps, I'd like to know. The irony of it all is that "what could've been" probably isn't all it's cracked up to be and in the end I'll be wondering "what could've been" from back at square one.

Other times I wonder if its the concoctions in my head that are making feel so damn shitty. Because often, I realize that I'm getting upset over things that haven't even happened yet, and I wonder if I'm not, in some kind of sick way, addicted to angst or something like that. Which is weird, because I sincerely don't enjoy feeling shitty, and yet there I go, testing my own limits, telling myself things to see how far I can go without going over the edge. Then again, there's that rational (or more so, at least) part of me that translates these speculations into viable facts that are provable through several meticulous details. Although the real truth is that I have absolutely no way of knowing the validity of these speculations until I actually inquire about them. Then there's that whole confrontation thing again which is a "no-no", although I will admit that I don't mind being approached by confrontational matters.... intiating them is where I fail oh-so-horribly.

Some days I want to throw my hands up in the air, go on a trip alone to somewhere tropical. Leave everything alone, leave all the reminders alone, all the stupid little things that I get myself attached to even though I really have no valid right to get attached to them.

I don't even know what I need anymore
I don't want to need what I need...
I need to find answers
I need to find a way to find these answers...

I need to find myself again.

:: Emily 1:39 AM [+] ::